Many label us conservative, but we’re not the uptight ones when it comes to the annual office Christmas party. We know how to party.
Helen Sorrentino of The Alternative Press advises employers to limit office parties to “a few hours.” I manifestly disagree—ours is open-ended and could go on all night. She says to “end the service of alcohol 30 minutes prior to the end the party.” No way—this is not a baseball game where you can’t get a beer after the seventh inning. Indeed, most of us grab a roadie before leaving.
Charles Purdy at the Orange County Register seconds the advice of some party pooper who says employees “should prepare a list of people it would be beneficial to talk to.” I recommend preparing a list of people you want to ignore—that way you can have a good time. “If you’re female,” he says, “dress conservative and make sure you’re not revealing bare arms or any cleavage.” As long as I am president of the Catholic League, I pledge never to author such a draconian policy.
Attorney Stephanie R. Leach says that Christmas parties should be called “Holiday parties.” That doesn’t work. What should I say if asked what holiday we are celebrating? And what if some cad complains that “holiday” means “holy day”? Either way, I’m screwed. Stephanie also advises that we serve “plenty of non-alcoholic beverages.” We don’t have that problem—being a boozer is a condition of employment. Just ask Suzon.
Jo-Lynn Brown from the Tampa Bay Business Journal writes that Christmas parties should be scheduled “on a week night, when employees will be less tempted to overindulge.” Bad idea. We’re having our party tomorrow night, precisely because everyone can sleep in on Saturday. She also advises that we should not allow “employees to tend the bar.” I agree on that one, but not for the same reason: If our VP, Bernadette, gets behind the tap, she’ll empty the keg herself. Similarly, if Don or Mary Ellen tend bar, there won’t be a lick of liquor left for the rest of us. And if Alex is serving….