Jay Leno’s Comments on Priests

The following is a sample of quotes that Jay Leno has made over the years portraying priests as sexual predators:

February 9, 2011, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Well the Catholic Church has come out with a new app for the iPhone. This is real. You can confess right on the phone. How perfect is that? You can now cheat and atone for your sins all on the same device. Perfect for Brett Farve. Fantastic. You know what the name of this app is? I’m not making it up. It’s called ‘Priest in Your Pocket’. Really. Is that the best name they could come up with? Don’t you read the paper? Can’t you come up with a better name?”
February 4, 2011, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “And more problems for the Church. A Palm Beach priest has admitted to violation of chastity with an adult woman. When the Vatican heard about this, they said, ‘a woman? Thank God.’”
December 16, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Hey, another big scandal from the Catholic Church. Authorities say they are investigating the Vatican Bank on charges of money laundering. In a response, the pope said, ‘Money laundering, is that all? Thank God for that. Merry Christmas everybody. Thank God. Merry Christmas.’”
November 10, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Priest was stealing $83,000 from his parish to buy online pornography. Imagine that, he was robbing Peter to pay Paul. And you know, here’s the bad part, the Church transferred him to another parish that has free WiFi.  Yeah, so that is nice.”
July 16, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “It was 105 degrees today here in Los Angeles. (Cheers) I tell you, it was so hot, I saw two dogs on my front lawn, they were just having phone sex. That’s how hot. (Laughter, rim shot) It was so hot, for the first time, Taylor Lautner had a reason not to wear a shirt. This is the first time. (Laughter) In fact, at Starbucks people switched from overpriced coffee to overpriced frappucino. That’s how hot. (rim shot) It was so hot I saw a priest stop at a kids’ lemonade stand, just got lemonade. (Audience ohs) That’s how hot — hot it was.”
July 7, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Oh and a Catholic priest in Connecticut has been charged with stealing  $1.3 million in church money for male escorts. Of course, his parish is very upset about this – except the altar boys. They’re going, ‘huh, dodged a bullet on that one.’ Yeah – he spent $1.3 million on male escorts and, of course, the other priests were very confused. They said, ‘why buy the escort when the altar boys are free?”‘
May 14, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue:
Jay Leno: I actually saw a Catholic priest today call for a boycott.
Kevin Eubanks: Really?
Leno: Well maybe he was just calling for a boy on a cot.
May 10, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “And according to a New York Times poll, 54% of people feel that the Vatican is out of touch with Catholics. The other 46% are young Catholics who feel they’re way too much in touch. (light laughter) Way too much in touch.”
April 28, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: (Using Google street view) ”All right, let’s go overseas again, let’s go somewhere in Europe. Go to Europe. Let’s do it. Oh, Vatican. Oh, there’s Vatican City. Can we go — show the front of it there. Look at –oh, kids stay free. (audience applause) Wow.  Let’s get out of there.”
April 6, 2010, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “And Easter is a little different this year at the Vatican, instead of hiding eggs, the Vatican just relocated them to a different lawn.”
“And yesterday was the big White House Easter Egg roll. Of course, Catholic priests, they didn’t have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other.  So, that didn’t go over well. Yeah, well, as you know, hey, we just report the news. As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by the sex abuse crisis.  In fact, they’re now thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church.”
November 12, 2009, “Jay Leno Show” monologue: “Hey did you hear about the Vatican?  The Vatican has called in experts to study the possibility of life on other planets. Apparently, they ran out of parishes to send these priests to so they are looking to outer space.”
February 18, 2008, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Oh, I love this story. Did you see the pope at the Vatican today? Oh, they came out. They’re very strict. The pope and the Vatican asking actors not to do sex scenes in movies. They don’t want actors doing any sex—good luck! They can’t keep priests from doing sex scenes! What are you talking about? [Laughter and applause.] Come on! Please!”
February 26, 2008, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “According to a new report on teenage sex by researchers…4% of teenagers lost their virginity in a car, and 56% lost it in their homes. When they heard this, child development experts said it might help if teenagers talked to someone like a teacher or a priest, which is how the other 40% lost it.”
October 15, 2007, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Well it has happened again.  I hate to keep harping on this subject but it has happened again.  The Vatican, a top Vatican official, a monsignor, got caught by hidden TV cameras trying to seduce a young man.  Yeah, now he says he is innocent.  This is what the monsignor said.  He said he was only pretending to be gay as part of a Vatican sting operation.  I was not aware the Vatican conducted sting operations.  Boy you know where this guy is going to end up?  The Idaho Hall of Fame.”
July 30, 2007, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “And according to the Times of London, Paul McCartney has offered Heather Mills $40 million in a divorce settlement.  She says no.  She wants $100 million.  Imagine that, $100 million just to have someone you had sex with go away.  Or as the L. A. Archdiocese calls that, getting off cheap.”
July 23, 2007, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “In fact this Harry Potter book is so popular a lot of L.A. priests are now using it as bait.  (The audience groaned loudly)  Oh, yeah I am way out of line?   Yeah, yeah $660 million.  Shut up.”
“And a Chicago priest has plead guilty to taking $200,000 from the church’s charity money and spending it on a male stripper who worked at a gay night club.  Unbelievable man.  You know what that means, you know what that means he was cheating on his altar boy.  That is unforgivable.”
July 18, 2007, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Hey have you been following the stock market?  It is breaking all kinds of records.  They say the market surge is due to a strong globe economy, a robust retail sale and a sudden influx of cash from former Los Angeles altar boys.  (The crowd groaned loudly.)  A very judgmental crowd. I guess you know by now a judge has approved a $660 million priest sex abuse settlement.  And listen to this, a big chunk of that is paid for by insurance.  They actually have sexual abuse insurance.  What company sold them that policy?  Was that the good hands people you think?  In fact I understand they have a three altar boy deductible.  You can get that. I mean doesn’t insurance make the problem worse? Wouldn’t it make it worse having insurance?  Aren’t you saying to these priests, oh go ahead have fun, you’re covered.  But there are signs of change.  In fact a lot of Catholic Churches in L.A. now have a sign, you touch it, you bought it. (Another groan) Like lightning is going to come through here.”
June 21, 2007, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “In Austin, Texas a 61-year-old priest has been arrested after he left rehab.  This priest leaves rehab, gets drunk and drives his car into a restaurant.  So much for the Vatican’s Ten Commandments of safe driving.  Imagine that, a priest driving drunk into a restaurant.  Thank God it was not a Chuck E. Cheese.  Oh my God.”
June 20, 2007, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: (Leno suggesting there should be an 11th commandment) ”Thou shall not use your car to transfer pedophile priests to another parish.”
September 29, 2006, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “A congressman from Florida, 52-year-old Mark Foley, resigned today because of questionable e-mails he wrote to a former male page.  The page was 16 years old at the time.  Yeah, and out of force of habit, the Catholic Church offered to move him to another parish.”
July 17, 2006, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Paris Hilton announced that she was going to be celibate for an entire year.  She is serious about it.  Today she laid off a camera crew and two soundmen.  Celibate for a year.  That is longer than most priests.”
June 13, 2006, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Leno made the following joke regarding Jack Black in the movie “Nacho Libre”: “He plays a priest who moonlights as a wrestler. Well, that’s got to be every altar boy’s worst nightmare.”
May 23, 2006, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Catholics still continuing to protest the movie ‘The Da Vinci Code.’ Some priests felt angry, refusing to take their altar boys to see it. Yeah that’s how angry they are.”
March 13, 2006, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Last week authorities shut down Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.  Hey guys, what’s the hurry.  You thought FEMA was slow to respond to a crisis.  More bad news, you know who bought it.  The Catholic Church.”
November 11, 2002, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “And today Catholic bishops announced that they are against the war with Iraq. Well of course the Catholic bishops are against the it–they want to see our boys stay at home and not have to go off to war.”
September 18, 2002, Leno emceed Adopt-a-Minefield banquet: “I hear Warner Bros. is doing ‘Exorcist 3′. They’re bringing Satan in to get the priest out of the teenager.”
September 16, 2002, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “I guess going to a Catholic school as a young boy, you really learn how to run fast.”
June 17, 2002, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “This week hundreds of Catholic bishops arrived in Dallas for their annual convention. It was held at the Fairmont Hotel. They wanted to hold it at the Ramada Inn, because at Ramadas, kids stay free.”
June 7, 2002, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Rapper R. Kelly was found guilty of 21 counts of child pornography. It’s so bad that he’s thinking of changing his name to Father Kelly.”
June 5, 2002, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “It’s been hot here! It was so hot today that Catholic priests were hitting on Eskimo boys.”
May 31, 2002, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” monologue: “Don’t worry about arming airline pilots, we should be arming the altar boys.”

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